Thursday, March 02, 2006

The snapping of my spine never felt so good

Many times in my life I have been lost, lonely, and wishing for something or someone to take me or shake me into a fervor. A whirlwind of depression, lackluster of life strikes me. Oh Lord, if there is one, take me and show me the way. Why is it that I, a member of this zombie generation, feel so empty in side? I need booze and other substances to fill the voids of life. Was life always meant to be this shallow lip-service? If it is, I will regretably like to shove this into God's puckered asshole. Next time you tak to God, ask him what this life was supposed to be. Tell him that free will has corrupted and soiled our race. There is no fulfillment. Power struggles kill us, causing our souls to crumble into a crumbs that once sought out real love, real life. I am a shallow, hollow, shell of a man. I have forgotten what privalage, luxuries, and real pain is like. I am a member of a generation that is emcompassed in the prophet Fight Club. It is my religion, my faith. Why? Because television has robbed my soul, the internet has raped my attention, and the family that I have secured has left me, high and dry.

I really wish that I had a real point, a valid one. Something tangeble and real. It would help me. I am a floater. Many times in my life, no...wait... most of my time on Earth has been spend wasted. I am a slave to the god of procrastination. Most of my time is not spent wisely, in fact it is most likely spend frivolusly on things that are not real, only fantasies that are unatinable. Sometime in the near future I will be left shattered and crushed by the dreams that I have always concocked in my mind.

I am a angry man. I am pissed off and what is the worst part about it is that no one knows my rage, the inner thoughts that would give my grandmother a heart attack. It would make a priest faint at the mere mentioning of it. Why has this all been brought up? I am graduation. I am frightened beyond all belief. I have always been afraid of being alone and responcible for myself. I have never known myself, I have kept solitude close to myself but it has never been a real experience. I have always had the companionship of another form of brainwashing: the television, radio, music, or even a fucking book. I think that the fear is that I will have to someday entertain myself, force myself to work, breath, fuck, live.

Another fear is that no one listens to me. Does anyone really read this blog? I want you to tell me! I have always been a quiet person. It has been interpreted as being polite or kind. Fuck that, it is because I am shy and secretly afraid that you won't like me. Cliff, I hated you the semester I lived with you, I was just too annoyed with your girlfriend. Never really directed towards you, more her. I must be in gratitude to you, you have given me courage and inspiration to do things. You have allowed me to have a voice. Don't ask me how or why I have a voice because of you, but I believe it is true.

Whew! That feels a little better to let it all out. I need a breather. I need to work on just living, I need someone to take care of me. Life it too hard at this point. Rock bottom is near. I don't know why or how it got to become like this, in fact it is so hard to articulate myself. I want to scream out the words, but a sigh is all that comes out. It is a game of pool where my ball is just on the other side; in Halo it is the guy who is just outside of my sniper range. I am blah.


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