Saturday, March 04, 2006

Age and the youth struggle

The last few posts have been rather on the negative side. Well yesterday was a good day. I was surrounded by family, and I realized that they are a good portion of life too. They help us and heal us. I met my cousins from New York, who are a bit older than me, in fact they are a few years older than my parents. They made me realize the pleasures of old age. They made me realize that I may be going through this now, but eventually I will be in their stage of life, provided that I keep family and friends to support me.

We all met for a lunch at M's pub in the old market. I had a great fish burger, a majhi-majhi filet with provalone cheese and all of the fixings. But throughout the entire meal, I was surrounded and enveloped in conversations. I love being around Bob. I would classify him as a storyteller. I strive to surround myself with storytellers, I think that is why I love to watch and devour films; They are basically stories. After you get a few beers or drinks in him, he wouldn't stop telling stories. But I think when you get to be that age, you have nothing but stories to tell. His vigor and enthusiasm grows after you show that you are interested in them.

It is somewhat refreshing to hear the vigor that Bob has for the Midwest. I think it the "grass is always greener" principle that motivates his love of the country. It is true. I felt the same way about the East coast. I am enamored by culture centers, the Midwest is bland and full of monotony. There are no films, there is no art. I want to say to Bob sometimes: "I am happy to hear it, but I cannot live it. My destiny is elsewhere."

I am envious of age. It is filled with understanding and foresight. You have lived already. Your stories have occurred. There is a level of serenity that comes from it. But also I wish to feel young. To have the attitude that I am invincible and incapable of death, that is what will feel refreshing. Once again I will mention something from that deeply moving "beers and friends" night. My friend that I have renamed "Frank Lee" said something that I envy, that I covet. "Yes, I went out and grabbed life by the face. I screamed at it. Man I have been deep and low in the barrel. It was pleasure and pain. I felt it in all of its capacities, it was life."

I think my problem right now is that I feel older and wiser than I truly am. I have heard one too many bits of advise. Advise is a great thing, but to take it all of the time is a deadening experience. That is why I think that I am old. Frankly, I need to realize the truth that I know nothing. The next time I get a smiggen of advise I should tell that person to "fuck off". I am a nobody, a nothing. I need to earn my place in life. But it could also be that I think that I am a nothing and feel that I have nothing to offer anyone else. I think it is more plausible for the later to be true. I need someone to compete with, a rival, a true competitor that will motivate me and drive me to my excellence. This is true for all of the great creators, actually there doesn't even have to be creators. They can be anything. Our world thrives on the idea of competition, a free-market economy is based on this fact.


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