.... not sure what to title it

I thought that is has been a while since I had posted something on this, so a blog no matter how big or small it is to be. I recently read Cliff's blog about his future plans and the generosity of people. I agree that people can be generous; in fact it amazes me how they can be, especially family. This past summer I made the choice to go to New York. My parents shelled out the money to have the experience out there. When I was there, relatives took me out to nice restaurants, sometimes very pricey restaurants, showed me around the city, and made me feel welcome in a strange city. It happened to be one of the best experiences of my life.

I have spoken a lot about how worried, scared, and terrified out of my skull that I am, but all of this is starting to fade a little. Don't worry, I am still terrified but now it is a little less. Fear and being scared of things makes us, it motivates us, but on the other hand it paralyzes us in a way. I recently watched the excellent movie V for Vendetta. If you were to boil down the movie into one lesson it would be about the power or effects that fear has on people. Fear was the whole driving force behind the government. V showed that it could be a powerful and useful weapon against people, even mass quantities. Fear hinders our true emotions and restrains them. It is more often than not, our society has repressed many different factions of people into thinking that what they do it wrong. And I feel that because this is a Christian nation, and currently a Catholic one, it has allowed the basic fear of God to allow our nation's leaders to utilize these powers.

Now to get to my plans. I am going to try for the sunny state of California. I have a relative who lives out there that knows a few people, not to mention a close friend that is in the area. With the use of their contacts, hopefully I can get the ball rolling out there. It would be nice to try a different climate, because frankly the current one is getting old for the moment. Last night we had 10 inches of snow, the previous days where in the 40's. A week before that, 50's. Iowa never seems to make up its mind on what to be; spring, fall, and winter all seem to be acceptable at the moment. Another advantage would to be see what the other end of the country is like. New York, I know I love. They are fast paced when they need to be, slow when they need to be. They are knowledgeable and well versed. They are the culture Mecca of the current era. Who knows when the Mecca will change, but for the time being it was there.

That is all for now. Go see V for Vendetta. Best movie of the new year, the rest don't even attempt to measure up to this film.

Over and out,
Iowa Film Nazi

Oscars: A night of thrills and chills

Oh the joy that is the Oscars. It is a time that the art world and the commercial world collide in a politically charged event that is more about the P.R. and promotions that anything. At least in sports you cannot control for the most part who will win. The Oscar is decided by a group of 1000's of voters that controls the fate of who will speak on a certain role or job in their creation of a film. That is about it. All of the films that were nominated were deserving and promoted just by the fact that they were nominated. This is something that I truly believe in my heart and soul.

Although it had been suggested by a friend to do a live blog of the happenings tonight. I however got this too late. I would of liked to do a live recap of what the highlights and pitfalls of the event were when they happened. Sometimes, it is best left to what resignates with you after the fact.

I must first throw a shout out to the comedic styling of John Stewart. Chris Rock did have a great hosting year in 2005, but you topped his attempt at host. John Stewart and his team of great satirists, poked fun at this sometimes stuffy gala event. I applaud your use of the slanderous campaign for the Best Supporting Actress category and Best Sound Editing (?). It eased the monotony of ceremony, which needs to happen from time to time.

I would say that I saw a majority of the films that were nominated this evening, save Memoirs of a Geisha, Hustle and Flow, June Bug, Pride & Prejudice, and Transamerica. Most of the winners of these awards I give my endorsement to. I even thought that Crash was highly deserving of the Best Picture Oscar. Well done! Brokeback had the momentum going into the 3rd quarter, but the last minute push that DVD sales sometimes have propelled Crash into movie history. Silence of the Lambs is a great example of what happened tonight in the Best Picture race. It too was an early release for and Oscar contender, in fact, around the same time as Crash came out. They were both in the late April and early May release.

KING KONG! KING KONG! It was only nominated for a handful of awards, four to be exact. Winning three is a damn good record. Even though the winnings of King Kong were small in comparison to the winners of the major categories, I am happy for this film. King Kong is a remake, but it was an excellent and powerfully composed film. I tip my hat in your direction Peter Jackson and all of your co-workers and staff. Bar-none, Kong was exactly what a movie should be: entertaining. Sometimes, the Oscars are built up too much into what movie had the greatest message. It needn't be that all of the time, movies need to fill the basic requirement of entertainment.

On a different note, the best additive for this years Oscar is the retro-respect. There were quite a few montages towards great actors and films in general. By far, the film-noir was the best. I will go out on a limb and say that film noir is one of my favorite genres of film. It is something that was created out of a dark and fearful portion of history, the Cold War. They did a recap of this genre in approximately 3-4 minutes, which is enough to only brush over it; but for the time being, it was sufficient.

I am a little disappointed with the actual structure of the show. It starts off strong with the Best Supporting Actor Oscar, but it starts to fall after that. After a good 40 minutes of uninteresting awards, they reveal the Best Supporting Actress category. It isn't until the last 40 minutes of the show that you get to see any real awards. I am sorry if I insulted these awards, but the technical awards are the filler. All peope really care about in this race are the Actors and Actresses, the Director, Screenwritters, and the Best Picture. The rest is a rather drull experience. You will notice that the Academy as stooped a little in the past few years, 2002's best song was 'Lose Yourself' by Eminem and this year happens to be 'It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp' by Three Six Mafia. Not that there is anything wrong with hip-hop, it just seems to be a little forced at this time. Why was there only three nominees for this years Best Orginal Song nominations? There were a handful of great songs to come out of Corpse Bride, yet none of them were nominated this year.

Fashion is always the forerunner of this night. It is something that will never cease to be a topic of discussion at this event. I will say that I am not picky with most of the choices. In fact, I really don't care about it, except for whatever the fuck Theron was wearing. That bow was huge. It was down-right distracting. I couldn't stop staring at it. Dear God it was like she took Helana's giant bow from DOA4. It was like the size of her head! Unfortunately, there wasn't a dress like a couple years ago with J-Lo. The split dress was amazing. It was if you could reach out and touch her breasts. It was almost painful. Tape had to be her best friend and my worst enemy that night.

All in all this was a good night. Crash was a pleasent surprise. That proved that you can be released 10 months before the Oscars and still be noted and rewarded for it. My favorite film for the year Kong walked away with three statuettes, not to mention the various other roles that were very deserving: Clooney, Brokeback soundtrack, Witherspoon's Carter, Hoffman's Capote, and Weistz's performance to name a few. I was glad that I was able to predict a number of them, but also pleased that I couldn't predict all of them.

Editing

This is going out to all of my readers. I want you to tell me to edit my stuff. Some of my writings is fine, but I believe that a lot of it could be better. Sometimes I just need a little motivation to edit it. Tell me what needs to be expanded, because I usually write in a flow style. Flow is often a good way to write, but in that method you often forget things, major things. It all depends on what the flow of the times is. So please, give a few little words of encouragement to help me on my way.

Age and the youth struggle

The last few posts have been rather on the negative side. Well yesterday was a good day. I was surrounded by family, and I realized that they are a good portion of life too. They help us and heal us. I met my cousins from New York, who are a bit older than me, in fact they are a few years older than my parents. They made me realize the pleasures of old age. They made me realize that I may be going through this now, but eventually I will be in their stage of life, provided that I keep family and friends to support me.

We all met for a lunch at M's pub in the old market. I had a great fish burger, a majhi-majhi filet with provalone cheese and all of the fixings. But throughout the entire meal, I was surrounded and enveloped in conversations. I love being around Bob. I would classify him as a storyteller. I strive to surround myself with storytellers, I think that is why I love to watch and devour films; They are basically stories. After you get a few beers or drinks in him, he wouldn't stop telling stories. But I think when you get to be that age, you have nothing but stories to tell. His vigor and enthusiasm grows after you show that you are interested in them.

It is somewhat refreshing to hear the vigor that Bob has for the Midwest. I think it the "grass is always greener" principle that motivates his love of the country. It is true. I felt the same way about the East coast. I am enamored by culture centers, the Midwest is bland and full of monotony. There are no films, there is no art. I want to say to Bob sometimes: "I am happy to hear it, but I cannot live it. My destiny is elsewhere."

I am envious of age. It is filled with understanding and foresight. You have lived already. Your stories have occurred. There is a level of serenity that comes from it. But also I wish to feel young. To have the attitude that I am invincible and incapable of death, that is what will feel refreshing. Once again I will mention something from that deeply moving "beers and friends" night. My friend that I have renamed "Frank Lee" said something that I envy, that I covet. "Yes, I went out and grabbed life by the face. I screamed at it. Man I have been deep and low in the barrel. It was pleasure and pain. I felt it in all of its capacities, it was life."

I think my problem right now is that I feel older and wiser than I truly am. I have heard one too many bits of advise. Advise is a great thing, but to take it all of the time is a deadening experience. That is why I think that I am old. Frankly, I need to realize the truth that I know nothing. The next time I get a smiggen of advise I should tell that person to "fuck off". I am a nobody, a nothing. I need to earn my place in life. But it could also be that I think that I am a nothing and feel that I have nothing to offer anyone else. I think it is more plausible for the later to be true. I need someone to compete with, a rival, a true competitor that will motivate me and drive me to my excellence. This is true for all of the great creators, actually there doesn't even have to be creators. They can be anything. Our world thrives on the idea of competition, a free-market economy is based on this fact.

The snapping of my spine never felt so good

Many times in my life I have been lost, lonely, and wishing for something or someone to take me or shake me into a fervor. A whirlwind of depression, lackluster of life strikes me. Oh Lord, if there is one, take me and show me the way. Why is it that I, a member of this zombie generation, feel so empty in side? I need booze and other substances to fill the voids of life. Was life always meant to be this shallow lip-service? If it is, I will regretably like to shove this into God's puckered asshole. Next time you tak to God, ask him what this life was supposed to be. Tell him that free will has corrupted and soiled our race. There is no fulfillment. Power struggles kill us, causing our souls to crumble into a crumbs that once sought out real love, real life. I am a shallow, hollow, shell of a man. I have forgotten what privalage, luxuries, and real pain is like. I am a member of a generation that is emcompassed in the prophet Fight Club. It is my religion, my faith. Why? Because television has robbed my soul, the internet has raped my attention, and the family that I have secured has left me, high and dry.

I really wish that I had a real point, a valid one. Something tangeble and real. It would help me. I am a floater. Many times in my life, no...wait... most of my time on Earth has been spend wasted. I am a slave to the god of procrastination. Most of my time is not spent wisely, in fact it is most likely spend frivolusly on things that are not real, only fantasies that are unatinable. Sometime in the near future I will be left shattered and crushed by the dreams that I have always concocked in my mind.

I am a angry man. I am pissed off and what is the worst part about it is that no one knows my rage, the inner thoughts that would give my grandmother a heart attack. It would make a priest faint at the mere mentioning of it. Why has this all been brought up? I am graduation. I am frightened beyond all belief. I have always been afraid of being alone and responcible for myself. I have never known myself, I have kept solitude close to myself but it has never been a real experience. I have always had the companionship of another form of brainwashing: the television, radio, music, or even a fucking book. I think that the fear is that I will have to someday entertain myself, force myself to work, breath, fuck, live.

Another fear is that no one listens to me. Does anyone really read this blog? I want you to tell me! I have always been a quiet person. It has been interpreted as being polite or kind. Fuck that, it is because I am shy and secretly afraid that you won't like me. Cliff, I hated you the semester I lived with you, I was just too annoyed with your girlfriend. Never really directed towards you, more her. I must be in gratitude to you, you have given me courage and inspiration to do things. You have allowed me to have a voice. Don't ask me how or why I have a voice because of you, but I believe it is true.

Whew! That feels a little better to let it all out. I need a breather. I need to work on just living, I need someone to take care of me. Life it too hard at this point. Rock bottom is near. I don't know why or how it got to become like this, in fact it is so hard to articulate myself. I want to scream out the words, but a sigh is all that comes out. It is a game of pool where my ball is just on the other side; in Halo it is the guy who is just outside of my sniper range. I am blah.

Oh, drunken ramblings!

Sometimes I feel as if it is only when you feel that you have experienced rock bottom, or encountered people that have, that life is truly experienced. I met someone for the first time tonight... No...Wait....Two people for the first time tonight. Only with the companion of beer or the alcohol of choice, did we truly start to reveal our own true selves. Sometimes that is really how it goes, unfortunately I have not the courage to reveal my own personal and deeply felt feelings to the world.

Something that makes me want to cry every night is that fact that no one knows me truly, deeply, and madly. Frank Lee may be right. I think that I need to reach rock bottom before I truly experience life. After hearing his stories and times, do I feel like I am alive. This is such a strange phenomenon in the world. Only until you have experienced the bottom, the essence, of life that you are truly able to experience it. It is troubled with your own thoughts, feelings, and worries; but after tonight I felt as if I have never been alive at all. He told me tonight that the worst is yet to come, but only after the worst is experienced, you will truly experience love and life. I think that now or something that is close to now will spark and fuel this fire for love, But until now, it is only a figment or a fragment of my own reality. I will refrain from becoming too philosophical on life at the moment.

Life is about a few close friends and a beer to stimulate the conversation. This is the essence of life. This is the true definition of life and it inequities.

I am over and out,
Iowa Film Nazi